Diagnostic Engine · Online · Median fix-time 2.3 hrs

Your store is bleeding revenue. The receipt is 30 seconds away.

The AI roast every Shopify owner is afraid to run. Eight conversion categories. Real industry benchmarks. A monthly dollar leak you can defend in a meeting. No signup. No card. The autopsy is yours in 30 seconds.

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Pick your roast style:
Savage but on your side. Staging an intervention.

Free · No signup · No card · The receipt is yours in 30 seconds

[ THE GLOBAL BENCHMARKS ]

stripe.com 88/100
"Ruthless efficiency, bloated mobile DOM."
airbnb.com 85/100
"Masterclass in trust, labyrinthian SEO."
random-startup.com 34/100
"This is a cry for help."
your-site.com ? / 100
"Let's find out."

How the Audit Works

Three steps. Zero mercy.

1
Data Capture

The Snap Judgment

We screenshot your site and see it exactly as your customers do.

2
Analysis

The Interrogation

Our AI cross-references against thousands of high-converting sites to find what's broken.

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Diagnosis

The Financial Damage

You get a brutal score, a revenue leak estimate, and a detailed fix plan.

FAQ

Everything you need to know before we hurt your feelings.

What's in the $8.99 CPR Playbook?

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The free roast tells you what's broken. The CPR Playbook tells you how to fix it: step-by-step fix plans for all 8 categories, verbatim copy rewrites with before/after comparisons, viral growth hooks, a 30-day content calendar, a quick-wins checklist, and an email script to send your developer. One-time purchase per roast. No subscription.

How does the AI analyze my site?

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We capture a hi-res screenshot of your homepage, then feed it to GPT-4o Vision for 8-dimension analysis. Claude then generates the roast with specific references to YOUR design, copy, and layout. No templates. Every roast is unique.

How accurate are the scores?

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The AI scores 8 categories: First Impression, Copywriting, UX, SEO, Trust, Performance, Mobile, and Conversion Architecture. Most sites land between 30–60. Above 80 means you're in the top 5%. Below 20? We've seen it. The scoring is calibrated to be honest, not kind.

Is this actually useful or just mean?

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Both. Every roast is built on real UX, SEO, and conversion principles. The savagery is the delivery method. The advice underneath is what agencies charge thousands for. We make it entertaining enough that you actually read it.

Will you steal my website data?

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We capture a screenshot of your publicly visible homepage, the same thing any visitor sees. We don't access your backend, database, analytics, or anything behind a login. Your roast data is stored so you can revisit it, but we're not harvesting your secrets.
Audit In Progress
Intercepting Traffic...

This usually takes 20-30 seconds